Have you found yourself feeling like something is missing from your being and trying to figure out what it is? Have you been searching for answers about the true meaning of life and what we are all here to do? Have you long felt that the answers you’ve been given about life and how it works don’t resonate with you? Have you been going through an existential crisis? Maybe this will happen to you like a bolt of lightning one day to the next. Or maybe you’re one of the lucky few that will find all these answers without having your entire life come crashing down. Either way congratulations on your spiritual ascension.
I myself started this journey two and a half years ago. Most people label this period in one’s life your “dark night of the soul” and oh what a night it was for me. I wanted to share my journey with you all and also just want to add here that you are not alone at all and you don’t have to go through this alone. I know what it feels like to go through this alone as nobody in my family talked about these things with me. If I tried to, I would get accused of devil-worship. And I realized that if I had someone that I could have gone to for answers, it would have made things so much easier. So my goal with this post and the ones to come is to provide some answers and/or resources that can make your journey a bit easier.
OK, on to my story:
I was living in New York working for a major airline when one random day I met the single most important person who would catapult me into this journey. Our connection was instantaneous and we began dating immediately. It was truly such an amazing experience for me because I had never met anyone who treated me with such respect, love, and admiration. However, early on I knew I needed to face my ugly demons because the person I was dating deserved so much more from me. Hell, I deserved so much more from me. Growing up I didn’t know how to process, ventilate or express my feelings so I had a lot of built-up negative energy that I needed to clear. If anyone here has dated a Virgo, y’all know what I’m talking about. As a Virgo, I was kind of controlling and had really high expectations of my partner and wanted all the love from this person but I myself couldn’t let my walls down to reciprocate that love. I expected a lot of things without communicating them, and obviously was disappointed which led to a lot of bickering. Talk about a mess! I had a growing feeling that I would have to fix this in order to keep our relationship strong. But I felt like I couldn’t do it while I was in a relationship. So I did the hardest thing a person can do, break up with the person you are deeply in love with so that you can work on being a better you.
I began going to a new Christian church and tried to preoccupy my time and worry there, but eventually I felt like what was being preached didn’t resonate with my understanding of God, the universe, and how it all worked. I was looking for answers to my questions and didn’t know where to go. I felt like I was in a very dark place, looking for the light and not finding it anywhere I went. Spending time alone helped out a bit, as I began to discover some childhood trauma that contributed to my negativity. But my searching didn’t yield many results because I didn’t know where to look, or what to look for. I finally decided that I needed answers so I went and did what any religion would call a one-way ticket to Hell; I went to see a psychic.
I was told many times, because obviously if you go to a psychic once you just keep going back, that I needed to work on my energies because I was walking around with a lot of pain and anger. DUH, I was depressed over a breakup that I didn’t want to happen, I’m surprised I wasn’t down right suicidal. I was in such a slump energetically that I ended up getting taken advantage of by a psychic gypsy (more on that story at another time) who told me I needed to pay a huge lump sum of money in order to remove these negative entities from me that have been attached to me since birth. I trusted this person because she was a clairvoyant and had a connection with God, angels and spirits. I trusted her because I thought anyone with that gift from God wouldn’t do harm to others. So I paid her and kept seeing her.
Meanwhile, I was also looking for answers in regards to my ex because I couldn’t explain what I felt for this person or the connection we shared. That led me right into the Twin Flame phenomena that I got sucked into. I paid for many tarot readings that told me I was a twin flame and my ex was my twin. I was going crazy with all this information. I watched so many YouTube videos and read many articles on it that I barely slept for like a month straight! For the first time in my life, I felt like I was getting closer to finding answers that felt right to me. Obviously I was happy and eager to hear that my ex and I would live “happily ever after” but it was more than that. For me it was more important knowing that we all have a mission on earth to help everybody ascend. I was so eager about being a twin flame and starting our mission that I stopped working on healing myself and tried to get back into a relationship with my ex.
Bad move.
I tried and waited for over a year and a half to get back with my ex. It was extremely difficult and hurtful keeping in contact with him; seeing him get into new relationships, going through pregnancies, abortions, and everything else in between. You name it, I’m sure I went through it with him. I was so caught up on the Twin flame nonsense that I endured a lot of pain, all while waiting for him to ascend and be ready for this love of a lifetime relationship with me. But it never happened. The reason I stayed waiting was because in my mind, I had to endure all this pain for the twin flame journey so that it can show me what I needed to heal inside of me. Indeed, meeting this person had done that to me already. So in reality I didn’t need to stick by, but I just didn’t grasp it. I kept waiting and waiting until one day it dawned on me, after many months of heartbreak, that I am such a valuable divine being that I no longer needed to wait because the situation wasn’t serving my highest good any longer. So I let him go and more importantly I let go of the idea that I was “supposed” to marry him. Throughout that year and a half of hell, I gained about 50 pounds and experienced emotional highs and lows often as I was sorting through old traumas. I lost a lot of friends because I just wanted to be alone all the time. A few times, I got really bad flu-like symptoms and even ended up in the hospital with a throat infection.
After letting him go, things just slowly started falling into place. I started searching within, looking to clear my own energies and balance out my chakras. I started meditating and came across spiritual/ energetic healing modalities such as Reiki, Crystal healing, I.E.T (Integrated Energy Therapy), Shamanic healing that were available to assist me in my ascension journey. I had decided to try a few and received several Reiki and I.E.T. sessions, which felt wonderful. Little by little, I felt lighter, happier, more vibrant, and appreciative of everything I had been through. I was able to let go of thoughts and behaviors that no longer served me and build a relationship with the spiritual realm.
After that, I found my purpose in life and felt eager to bring healing to others and being a source of love, compassion, and encouragement to others. I began studying the tarot deck and receiving my certifications one at a time. As I was going through these certifications I began feeling excitement towards the future and a sense of ease because I knew everything would be ok. I knew that if I made it through this dark night of the soul, I can make it through anything else life throws at me.
The highlight of this whole journey has been the personal growth I have endured. I was all out of whack before, but now I feel confident, secure, trusting and full of loving energy. The toughest thing I had to learn was self-love and letting go of control. It was a hell of a ride. And if it weren’t for this extremely dark period in my life, I don’t think I would have found me. I am not where I want to be, but I am so thankful for where I am in life and everything that I have learned thus far.
In a nut shell, I went through hell to find heaven. And since I went through it alone it makes me want to help others on their journey even more. In my next post, I will be giving a more detailed look at the dark night of the soul process and symptoms you may go through on this journey.
Lastly, it is my intent that you all know I am here for you, encouraging and motivating you to cross that finish line into your bliss. If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask.
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With love,
Bella
Earth Angel Restorative Therapy + Healing 