Why I Chose Her

Did I really choose her?

Because you know what they say, those crazy spiritualists, right??

They say people choose their families and all of the crap they experience.

HA, no way.

I am a level headed individual.

So that can’t possibly be true….

Can it?

 

Tell me that it is a lie…

Wait, what?

But why on earth would I have chosen her as my mother?

All of my self-hatred, obesity, and inability to connect with anyone…

All of it was her.

Negligence

Emotional trauma

Silence

Comparison

 

Those vivid memories of her speaking so negatively about me

My thighs are too big,

I’ll never find a husband

I’m not smart enough

Skinny enough

Financially stable enough

Clean enough

Pretty enough

…

Yeah those.

I would have been better without a mother.

 

So explain to me why I was forced to be with her.

What did you say?

You said I chose this?

Explain why, because I am at a loss for words.

So many other mothers, flawed as well, but so much better than mine.

Why would I put myself through this?

 

Lessons?

What the hell are you talking about?

You are starting to sound like those crazy spiritualists now.

What are life lessons?

OK, I understand we all learn and grow throughout life.

But this??

No way.

Big life lessons, what are those?

Something we are supposed to overcome?

Heal from?

Then heal others?

Greater good for humanity?

Forget humanity,  what about me?

 

I’m the one who is scarred.

Because my thighs are too big

I haven’t found a husband yet

I’m still not smart enough

Skinny enough

Financially stable enough

Clean enough

Pretty enough…

 

She was the best choice to learn what I needed to?

To learn self-love?

What kind of crazy talk is that?

Surely, you are wrong.

It is soooo much easier to blame her for all of this.

My flaws, my shortcomings, my flawed premises,

My …

All of it was her.

Wasn’t it?

 

What do you mean I am not a victim?

Yes I am!

That is what I am trying to tell you!

She’s broken so she broke me

Can’t you see that?

 

What, can you repeat that?

What do you mean my mission?

Like some James Bond type of shit?

To help others?

I’m the one who needs the help,

Why is it so hard for you to see that?

 

So, wait.

I am supposed to overcome this?

How?

Forgiveness and self-love?

Mindfulness?

What the hell is that going to do for anyone?

I don’t have time to sit daydreaming!!

Nobody in my family would approve

Just like my mother

What?

Humanity ascending?

I play an important role??

I’m just little ole me though.

 

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

 

OK, let’s explore your “theory”

Let me try to understand,

Try to connect the dots.

We all come here to overcome

One big lifelong theme, right?

And you’re saying once I’ve learned from it,

I can show and teach others?

For the purpose of raising our consciousness

Changing and altering our DNA?!?!

Ascending into the 5th dimension?????

Oh my.

 

I think I may have connected the dots.

I am no longer a victim,

I am a divine warrior

With an army of celestial guardians

 

I am not a victim

I am an overcomer.

 

I am not concerned with my thighs being too big

Not having a husband yet

Not being smart enough

Skinny enough

Financially stable enough

Clean enough

Pretty enough…

 

I am concerned with divinity.

Spirituality.

Look at me, I am a crazy spiritualist now!

I am connectedness and love.

Look at what I have become,

despite having a broken mother.

A broken mother who didn’t break me after all.

 

Without her brokenness

I wouldn’t be here.

I wouldn’t have learned forgiveness and self-love.

I wouldn’t have learned mindfulness.

I’m pursuing my mission now.

Like some James Bond type of shit.

Now I see she was exactly what I needed.

Now I know why I chose her.